Every so often life just sucks. Many things can change, be disrupted, hurt and weigh heavy. It’s typical to experience highs and lows, happiness and sadness, progress and regression — we all require a little help from time to time — but navigating whatever it is that’s causing us difficulty can’t always be soothed with positive vibes.
Positivity does perform a meaningful role in our thinking and routine interactions; having hope, for example, is integral to being able to keep going and focus on better times — but we need to be mindful of elements of toxicity that can develop.
Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude doesn’t just stress the importance of optimism, it minimizes and denies any trace of human emotions that aren’t strictly happy or positive. | Very Well Mind — What Is Toxic Positivity?
Positive thinking is useful but it comes with added pressure. It places the burden of getting through something back on the shoulders of those already struggling. Communicating to someone that it could be worse/so-and-so is in a more dire situation or to count blessings/just think positively does not lead to any kind of solution. In fact, it possibly adds a level of guilt around feeling overwhelmed, anxious, stressed or depressed, etc.
Most people who use generic (toxic) positivity are well-meaning and want to help; I resorted to it in the past myself, but all this does is tell someone to be happy when they’re already in difficulty or troubled. Some people may not know you well enough or be unsure about what is appropriate — and that’s okay — but you can accomplish a whole lot of good with, “I don’t really know what to say but I stand with you“ or even “you‘re going through so much, but please don’t give up.“ You can be someone’s cheerleader by reminding them that they matter and turn this empathy into something actionable. Saying, “it could be worse“ is a whole different vibe to “I‘m sorry you‘re experiencing this. What will help you work through it?“ One makes it clear your struggles are seen, while the other suppresses them. One of the most beneficial ways to help is to listen and let people talk things through.
Avoiding our own negative thoughts or emotions and pretending to be upbeat is also toxic and potentially self-sabotaging. It doesn’t present an opportunity for us to improve things or obtain support when we need it — there’s not much room for working through something effectively. Pushing all negativity aside can be a coping mechanism but eventually, whatever it is we’re attempting to recover from or feel better about, has to be addressed. Toxic positivity, essentially, becomes an avoidance tactic that overlooks the benefits that talking about something and putting things in place to deal with our hardships can bring.
Accepting difficult emotions helps with coping and with decreasing the intensity of those emotions.¹ Think about how good it feels when you can finally talk about how hard your day was with your partner, parent, or friend. Getting things off your chest, including negative things, is like lifting a weight from your shoulders, even if it’s more difficult than pretending everything is fine. | Toxic Positivity: Don’t Always Look On The Bright Side — Psychology Today
Being positive is valuable, but all the good it can produce will be undone if its application is insincere, it has no acknowledgement of what’s being faced or it encourages silence. Nobody expects other people to resolve their problems for them but talking about our emotions and difficulties with trusted individuals can improve things significantly. Sharing something with a family member, friend, partner or therapist can often generate ideas and motivation to work through a problem. It can remind us we’re on the right track and help release what’s being held — sometimes that’s all we need to feel less burdened.
From my own experiences, mindfulness is far more powerful at holding space and providing support, especially when replacing generic (toxic) positivity with awareness, recognition and kindness. Instead of advising someone to stop being so negative, mindfulness says, “I can see this is problematic for you. Do you want to talk about it?“ It doesn’t declare everything happens for a reason and will work out in the end, it asks, “How can I support you?” Instead of instructing someone to look on the bright side or put a smile on their face, mindfulness responds, “It’s so hard to recognize the good right now. How can I make things less stressful for you?“ Additionally, mindfulness should include asking your trusted confidant before you offload to make sure it’s safe and okay to do so.
Negative emotions don’t need to be avoided, in fact talking about them to find a way forward should be normalized. Positivity should never be a pretence that encourages good vibes only as a default response — healing cannot begin if there’s no acknowledgement of what needs to mend.
Let’s leave toxic positivity behind, it’s time to revitalize mindfulness and actionable empathy instead.
Have you ever had to deal with some toxic positivity?
Further Info:
Supporting Someone Through A Tough Time – headspace
What To Say When A Friend Is Struggling – NPR
Toxic Positivity Is Real — And It’s A Big Problem During The Pandemic – healthline
NAMI Helpline – a free, nationwide U.S. resource that offers experienced peer-support guidance and advice
FindAHelpline – global (by country) resources for free, confidential mental health support
transatlantic | notes 
Toxic positivity is one of the reasons my partner hates stuff like mindfulness and well-being advice at where they work, and I can’t fault them on that. If you believe everything will be alright in the end, it sounds like a good positive outlook, but it might also stop you from doing what needs to be done to make things alright in the end
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Exactly! Some types of positivity sound good but they actually don’t help someone deal with things or face what needs to be done. I’ve often found people have said things to me, which were all well-meaning and based on kindness, that completely silenced me from sharing what was causing me difficulties. Often getting through something involves doing something about it, so our care for others may as well involve actually being supportive. Thank you so much for stopping by!
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Like most things in life, you need the right balance of positivity to keep it grounded in reality
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Hmm……toxic positivity people usually doesn’t like negative things. They like everything to be positive and cheerful. But what they don’t realise is that their attitude hurt others. They make people feel guilty for being sad. And sometimes people may think that they don’t have feelings. So that’s why they need to change.
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Exactly — being positive all the time is not helpful as it sends the message that we should not address the negative things. We cannot hope to be better within ourselves if we don’t tackle what we need to. Thanks so much for reading!
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Very valuable info here, nothing is more upsetting than toxic positivity .
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I agree 100%! Thanks for reading!
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This is important!!
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Thank you!
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This is such a great post. Very informative too. Thanks so much for sharing!
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Thank you so much for reading!
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You hit the head on the nail with this one. This reminded me so much of my ex, didn’t know the term for it but he definitely did toxic positivity. All it ever did was hurt me and make me feel bad for not being in a cheery mood. I really enjoyed reading this, great work 😊👍🏽!
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I understand this 100%. It’s okay to feel what you feel and work through something. If we don’t let ourselves feel something authenticly it becomes a masquerade and all that does is hurt us even more. Thanks so much for stopping by!
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This is a very interesting post. I like the idea of being positive and looking for a glimmer of light because it gives us hope. However having someone being positive but not acknowledging other feelings when you are down etc I think is toxic. Thank you for sharing.
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I like being positive too and try to make sure that I am actually mindful and actionable with how I present/use it. I am so glad you found this interesting — thank you for reading!
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This is very true, and I feel it goes back to education around feeling comfortable with our own difficult emotions, rather than skirting over them as if they’re no big deal. Since if we can’t give ourselves that same kind of empathy and compassion, how can we give it to anyone else.
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You’re exactly right, compassion and care has to start with us learning about giving it to ourselves and then helping others. If we don’t talk about what troubles us we can’t begin to heal from it. Thanks so much for reading!
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You make some good points. I personally experienced this when I lost my first child. People kept telling me he was in a better place so I should be happy for him, or I could always have another one because I got pregnant quickly the first time. All it did was break my heart more. People are allowed to grieve.
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Having to deal with toxic positivity after the loss of a child must have been extremely hard especially as you try to navigate this type of grief and pain. People should be able to grieve in their own way — I completely agree with you — and I am sorry that this wasn’t your experience at this time. Thank you so much for sharing as I’ve no doubt that someone reading this who is in a similar situation or knows someone going through it will be helped by your openness. ♡
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Wow, this was such an informative read! I think we live in an age of everyone trying to constantly manifest and speak ONLY positively, which is great but it can be so toxic especially when it almost feels as if one shouldn’t vent when they’re in a bad situation or even acknowledge that they’re in a bad situation. I loved this read so much and I caught myself nodding throughout.
Great read!
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Exactly! The idea that to face our problems or things we need help with can only be spoken about positively is extremely toxic. Sometimes things are truly awful and we need a chance to speak truth so that we can get the help and support we need. Thank you so much for reading!
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This post is so interesting to read! I think positivity is amazing and something we all should try more of, but it’s also so important to recognise life can be bad sometimes and that’s normal, just like you’ve said xx
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Positivity is great (the good type) and can be a great way to find the courage to change something, face our fears or seek out help and support when we need it, it’s just important that fake positivity (the toxic type) is used so often and seems to have become almost a brand. You’re 100% correct that life isn’t always good and we need to feel emboldened to talk about it and work through it. Thank you so much for reading!
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Thank you for this! I love the fact that more and more people are aware of toxic positivity. It’s so important to talk about your struggles instead of suppressing them. It took me far too long to learn this, but I’m glad I learned it when I did. Hopefully more and more people will begin to understand this so that talking about our feelings and struggles becomes the norm and people don’t feel like they have to “fake it” all of the time.
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You’re 100% right, suppressing what we’re feeling or going through doesn’t actually help or encourage finding a solution. I’m definitely seeing more people being aware of toxic positivity so I am hopeful that fewer people will use it. Thank you so much for reading!
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What a great read!! I think trying to stay positive at times can be a good thing or helpful. But I do agree that suppressing and never really dealing with what’s troubling you(or someone else) in the name of positvity is toxic.
It’s definitely okay to not be okay all the time.Plus acknowledging that may serve us even better than trying to suppress how we feel.
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Exactly — we cannot feel the true benefits of positivity if we are unable to talk about what we are feeling or need help with. It’s better to speak of the negatives rather than hide them. Thanks for reading!
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This is so true!!!
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Thank you — I hope more people become aware of it and can make steps to overcome it!
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Agree
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I think it also depends on who the person is, and what context we are referring to here. Sometimes, toxic positivity just might be the antidote that is needed.
I would say that there is no prescribed way to approach certain situations, but a good way to think about it if we are in their shoes, what would we want to hear the most? When we ask this question of ourselves, we should also consider the other person’s experiences and outlook. What works for us may not work for the people around us.
Great advice here, Molly. Thanks for sharing!
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I think there is nuance but toxic positivity is just that — toxic. There are different types of approach that may be exactly what is needed to help someone, and that is in itself something that isn’t a negative, but toxic positivity is where the struggles and concerns of someone going through something are completely disregarded. I agree that there is no prescribed response to certain situations as each individual brings their own knowledge and experience and as long as it is done with a view to actually supporting someone then it isn’t toxic. I think if someone comes to help and uses actionable empathy instead then you can’t really go too wrong. Thanks so much for reading!
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Ahhh okay my understanding of toxic positivity is a little different from yours then. Thanks for the elaboration!
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The links throughout this post have some really great information about toxic positivity and its impacts — they were a real eye-opener for me — and how dismissive it is, so they may add some clarity too. I really appreciate your input and taking the time to read/respond!
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“Negative emotions don’t need to be avoided, in fact talking about them to find a way forward should be normalized.” So much this! I truly wish this was a normal way of thinking and acting. I always try to validate people’s feelings because so often I hear things like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I’m too emotional” or some other dismissive point, when really embracing, acknowledging, and finding a way forward is so much more valuable. People who go the toxic positivity route are not ones I will share deeply with as I don’t find it helpful. I’m bookmarking this post because you’ve articulated things so well!
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Exactly! The people who don’t use real empathy or understanding are not really looking to support others — and that’s fine — but I’d rather have honesty over toxicity. If you don’t want to help or don’t know how (or don’t want to) it’s best to say so than risk invalidating someone and potentially causing harm. Thanks for reading!
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Actionable empathy is something we all should work on. I would rather someone help talk me through challenging times rather than simply saying get over it. When dealing with feelings it so easy for others to say to just get over it. And whether we talk about things or not, problems don’t just go away.
Thank you for this informative read.
xo Erica
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Exactly! There is a big difference between not helping at all and ignoring someone’s difficulties and actually being able to listen and offer real support. Telling someone to get over it or it isn’t that bad may seen motivational but it’s the opposite. Thank you for reading!
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I love this take on the topic, and I’m totally with you. Insincere positivity is kind of like taking a shortcut to, as you call it here, actionable empathy. Love that term for it. And I really like your side by side graphic, that’s really helpful!
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Thank you! I know some people get a bit taken aback by the idea of some types of positivity being toxic (often genuinely not realizing they do it, etc). Hopefully there is now a bit more awareness now! Thanks for reading!
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I loved your open and welcoming tone on this topic, Toxic Positivity. This is a very useful post because you not only invite us to embrace perspective-taking but also point us to a more efficient and healthier way to communicate with empathy. The visual you added to your post is great, it allows us to compare what toxic positivity looks like and how empathic response can make a huge difference. Thank you so much for bringing light and consciousness to this issue, I’m very grateful for reading your words, thoughts and feelings on this. I also believe mindfulness can help us with this, I’m sharing some links with it tomorrow as a way to prevent toxic positivity.
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I am so glad that you liked this; toxic positivity can go unknown by many people who may not even be aware that it’s happening (except when you feel the impacts of it). Thank you so much for sharing this too!
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“Accepting difficult emotions helps with coping and with decreasing the intensity of those emotions.” <– I think it's one of the hardest things in this process. Recognizing and accepting some emotions is hard, especially in the modern culture where at every post you are told to keep smiling and be happy – like it's the only normal way and if you don't – then there's something wrong.
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You’ve explained the essence of toxic positivity so well here; that we often receive the message to keep smiling and be happy no matter what. This mindset needs to be challenged and hopefully society will catch up with the fact that pretending to be happy all the time does more damage than good for many. Thanks so much for reading!
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