Whether we’ve encountered this at some point ourselves or been guilty of doing it to others; being aware of how/when tone policing is used will help to develop and improve valuable listening and advocacy skills.
Tone policing is a conversational and anti-debate tactic used to specifically disrupt, hinder, and in some cases, discredit a person when expressing their feelings, opinions and/or personal experiences. While it can occur anywhere social interactions take place — at work, within educational institutions or even at home, for example, it’s particularly prevalent when dealing with issues around politics, social change/social progress, anti-racism or injustice.
Focusing on how a message is being delivered, and criticizing its emotionally charged nature is a method used by some to deliberately hijack discussions; typically with the aim of controlling or shifting attention in a way that shuts down important conversations.
Tone policing prioritizes the comfort of the privileged person over the oppression of the disadvantaged person. Most damagingly, it places prerequisites on being heard and helped. | So You Want to Talk About Race – Ijeoma Oluo
Even if tone policing is perpetuated by well-meaning individuals who are unaware they’re doing it; the impacts and outcomes are the same as when it’s used to target and intentionally disrupt/invalidate significant social discussions and action. It’s insidiously oppressive; demanding civility can easily be played off as considerate and polite; when in reality it uses a veneer of respectability to direct and control the conditions in which discourse occurs. Tone policing ultimately asks someone to share trauma, injustice or mistreatment in a more palatable way — making it easier to ignore or completely silence.
Useful Article | Playing the Game of Respectability Politics, But At What Cost? — Very Well Mind
As individuals, we benefit from a varied and converging range of different types of social privileges; regulating how we want others to respond to inequality, inequity or any other harmful lived experience is one of them. Dismissing anyone in this way is extremely offensive — which can sometimes be the point because causing outrage diverts energy and focus away from the issue at hand. No matter how or why tone policing is used, it establishes a barrier between securing understanding and building resolutions for the future.
Confronting the fact that we may gain certain privileges from how society is structured while others are systematically disadvantaged is uncomfortable — it’s meant to be. It’s on us to work through that uneasiness and not tone police the words of those who take the time to raise awareness.
When you insist that BiPOC talk about their painful experiences with racism without expressing any pain, rage or grief, you are asking them to dehumanize themselves. | Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor – Layla F. Saad
Examples of how tone policing can manifest:
- insisting a message would be better received if spoken about calmly
- labeling someone as being irrational, delusional, emotional or radical
- asking someone to not use profanity
- stating an issue is being ignored/overlooked or poorly received because of how loud, angry or upset someone is
- justifying angry backlash towards someone because of how they shared personal experience, knowledge or information
Thankfully, challenging this kind of response whenever we see it is relatively uncomplicated; it does, however require a willingness to acknowledge its presence and purpose — if we can manage this then we’ve already undertaken a significant step towards ensuring conversations, discussions and progress remain unstifled.
Useful Article: Stop Policing Black Women’s Tone — The Root
Here’s how you can take action against tone policing:
- recognize it’s a microaggression that reinforces a negative idea that an issue/lived experience holds less value when expressed with emotion
- accept someone’s emotional response is valid and does not require your approval
- practice active listening and actionable empathy; examine carefully whether you’re looking to respond to the root of a problem or how someone emotionally articulates themselves about it
- pause before responding; refocus on the core matter in question if you find yourself or others reacting to how a message is being delivered — it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, frustrated or irritated during discussions; check in with yourself to figure out why this is before replying
- be cognizant of when someone else questions delivery over content; be prepared to help establish boundaries that call people in when they detract from the key topic of concern
Tone policing can be a complex subject to understand, it’s perfectly reasonable, for example, to expect communication to be healthy, constructive and respectful of boundaries — none of us want to be involved in something that crosses over into harassment or argument, etc. Insisting on being spoken to in a way that makes us feel safe, heard and accepted during discussions isn’t necessarily tone policing; it does, however, become contentious if these conditions place our comfort above everything else and/or distract attention away from the purpose of the ongoing discourse (intentional or otherwise) — it’s important we learn the difference.
Have you heard about tone policing before? Have you caught yourself focusing on how the person is speaking/makes you feel rather than what they’re saying?