As we try to support people we care about who live with depression, certain things we communicate to them can unintentionally become harmful. By delving into some crucial insights into how to provide genuine understanding and compassionate assistance, this article highlights what to avoid saying.
Depression is a complex mental health condition that is probably more common than people realise. It’s likely something we’ll encounter, either through experiencing it ourselves or knowing someone who lives with it. According to the World Health Organization, for example, it’s estimated that around 5% of adults worldwide have depression (which may be a conservative finding). It’s also estimated that of the approximately 14% of adolescents globally who experience a variety of mental health conditions, depression and anxiety represent the leading causes.
Supporting individuals with depression is of paramount importance, especially if depression-led mental health issues impact a person’s relationships, well-being, and daily functioning. Compassionate assistance expressed with understanding from family, friends and colleagues can help empower individuals to seek further support; it can also assist with breaking the stigma that still surrounds mental health.
Being Aware of the Symptoms of Depression
Depression can present itself in a number of ways, and while there are some common symptoms, it’s important to remember that not everyone’s experiences will be the same. However, it’s often characterised by persistent feelings of sadness, emptiness and hopelessness; typically affecting one’s thoughts, emotions and physical well-being, leading to a lack of interest in once-enjoyable activities. There can also be changes in appetite and sleep patterns, plus increased difficulty concentrating. Individuals with depression may also experience fatigue, irritability, and a diminished sense of self-worth.
No matter how depression manifests, seeking help to manage it is essential. If daily functioning and quality of life are significantly impacted, professional support (which may involve therapy, medication, and lifestyle adjustments) is advised.
10 Things to Never Say to Someone With Depression
It’s essential that communicating encouragement and support to someone who experiences depression be done with sensitivity, patience, and understanding. Listening actively without judgement in a way that validates their feelings and lets them know they are not alone can be an effective way to provide some comfort. If extra guidance is required, it’s crucial we respect their boundaries by not pushing solutions on them; however, we should always gently recommend professional help and show our willingness to assist with finding resources.
Our role is to show we remain a caring and safe space; our presence matters more than finding the perfect words, but we should still do our best to avoid stating things that might cause more harm than good. Here are ten common examples of things we should never say to someone with depression:
- Just Think Positively | Encouraging positive thinking is beneficial, but it’s not a cure for depression nor does it address what someone may be struggling with. Suggesting this oversimplifies the complexity of the condition and potentially invalidates (and silences) their genuine emotions and experiences.
- Don’t Worry About It | This completely disregards what someone is experiencing and diminishes their concerns; potentially leaving them feeling like they should not look for further support. Depression is not something that can be switched off.
- Snap Out Of It | Statements like these undermine the seriousness of this complex mental health condition and incorrectly suggest that someone with depression can choose to control their emotions.
- I Know Exactly How You Feel | While it may be comforting to have shared experiences with depression, it’s important to remember each person is unique. Providing empathy without assuming you understand their specific emotions helps create an open, reassuring dialogue.
- Other People Have It Worse | Comparison to others overlooks and discredits emotions. Living with depression is a deeply personal journey; dismissing someone’s pain in this way can lead to developing feelings of guilt about struggling.
- You Don’t Have A Reason To Be Depressed | While this may seem like a way to encourage someone to focus on gratitude for what they have in their life, it actually downplays their feelings and suggests their emotions are unjustified. Depression can affect anyone, regardless of their circumstances.
- You Don’t Look Depressed | This kind of comment discourages open dialogue and may prevent individuals from seeking help because it perpetuates the misconception that depression is always externally visible. Not everyone will show symptoms of emotional sadness and despair; some signs may be less obvious, like insufficient sleep/fatigue, or weight changes. These can easily be attributed to other causes (and therefore ignored) or seen as positive; weight loss, for example, is often congratulated on and celebrated by observers who may not realise someone has lost their appetite or is having difficulty looking after themselves during depressive episodes.
- Have You Tried Yoga/Smiling More [or Other Random Remedy]? | While suggesting support is good, don’t offer unsolicited advice on treatment options. While some coping strategies can help, they’re not a one-size-fits-all solution; avoid offering generic ideas and instead focus on getting expert guidance and suggestions. If that happens to include yoga, for example, try it with them!
- Try Doing More Things You Enjoy | Depression can affect a person’s motivation and energy levels, so pushing them to do more may be unhelpful. It can also cause significant fatigue, making it challenging for someone to engage in regular activities.
- It’s Just A Phase, You’ll Get Over It | Such comments can make a person feel isolated and misunderstood. Depression requires proper care and consideration and is not something that can be easily brushed aside.
How To Show Support For Someone With Depression
Standing by and supporting someone living with depression doesn’t have to involve anything complicated; it can be as simple as providing understanding, encouragement, and a listening ear. We don’t have to come up with the perfect response or be ready with life-changing words of wisdom. Promoting a sense of belonging and showing compassion is what will really make a difference.
Equally important while helping someone with depression is maintaining our own well-being so that we don’t risk experiencing burnout, especially if we’re working through our own issues. We should be aware of our emotional limitations and not be afraid to set boundaries; this ensures we balance our needs while providing empathetic, patient and consistent support.
Here are some ways to help someone experiencing depression:
- Educate Yourself | Learn about depression on your own to better understand what your friend or loved one is experiencing. This will help you provide more perceptive support.
- Be A Good Listener | Allow them to express their feelings without offering solutions or judgment. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to can be a great relief.
- Provide Your Presence and Patience | Spend time with them, even if it’s just sitting together. Loneliness can exacerbate depression, so your presence can be comforting.
- Offer Practical Help | Sometimes, everyday tasks can feel overwhelming for someone with depression. Ask if they want assistance with chores, errands, or tasks they might be struggling with — but remember to respect their boundaries and don’t push them into things they’re not ready for.
- Avoid Trying to “Fix” Them | Helping someone is not about trying to manage how they work through their depression; our role is to be supportive and open to their needs.
- Gently Encourage Seeking Professional Advice | A therapist or psychiatrist can provide the necessary tools and treatments to help manage depression.
- Watch for Signs of Improvement or Deterioration | Keep an eye out for positive changes, but also be vigilant for signs of worsening symptoms.
- Be Mindful of Suicidal Thoughts | If you notice signs of suicidal thoughts or self-harm, take them seriously and seek immediate help. Call a crisis hotline or take them to an emergency room.
- Stay in Touch | Depression can lead to isolation. Continue reaching out and stay connected, even when they might withdraw.
Being there for someone and letting them know they’re not alone can deliver a profoundly positive impact. There are many benefits to offering small gestures of kindness and comfort that will assist someone as they find ways to manage their depression.
In Summary
Knowing which common phrases and attitudes are counterproductive will help us build more considerate and constructive interactions that promote navigating conversations with care. Being cognizant of what to avoid saying to someone with depression will help us foster supportive actions and words of genuine encouragement.
What resources or practical steps have you taken to help someone you know (or yourself) manage depression? What are the best ways friends and family can provide ongoing support?
Further Info:
10 Best Online Therapy Services We Tried & Tested in 2023 – Everyday Health
NAMI Helpline – a free, nationwide U.S. resource that offers experienced peer-support guidance and advice
FindAHelpline – global (by country) resources for free, confidential mental health support
Safe In Our World – a list of global (by country) LGBTQ+ mental health resources and support
transatlantic | notes 
What an excellent post, Molly! It called to mind some of the unhelpful things people said and did when I was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t think people mean to be hurtful—they just don’t know. Thanks for educating.
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I agree, people can be unaware that some things they say are not as helpful or as encouraging as they think they are; hopefully this will clear up some of that up!
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I’ve got a bunch of friends all with varying mental health problems. I think these all ring true. It can be a problem figuring out what to say sometimes, as everyone is different, but I think this is really good advice!
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It can be really tricky to figure out but I think that the most important thing is the willingness to try and the sensitivity to know that you won’t get it right all the time. I hope more and more people explore these things with their friends or family who live with depression. Thanks so much for reading!
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Very well said. It happens that when you say to someone who is having hard time or in depression “everything is gonna OK”…it does not work. You need to be good listener sometime. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful post. God Bless.
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I 100% agree; it may seem like a nice thing to say, and typically comes from a good place (most of the time) but it isn’t helpful overall. Being there for someone and listening to them is a powerful thing to do.
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This is such a well written post – thank you so much! I think many people know people in their personal life who have struggled with this, so this reminder definitely has been needed! You curated and wrote this so well!
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I agree, so many people either live with depression themselves or know someone who does. It’s good to share ways to be of good support — thanks so much for your kind words and for reading!
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This is wonderful and very well said! I agree with all the things not to say and all the ways to help! Thanks for sharing 🥰
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Thank you so much for stopping by to read — I am glad you found these useful, etc!
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This post is so enlightening. These never to say tips can be useful for any mental health illnesses or potentially family or friend relationships. Thanks for sharing; enjoyed reading.
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I am so glad that these can be used in multiple situations; hopefully those reading will find more ways to communicate with compassion!
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These are not good things to say, I totally agree with you. And I like that you explained it well. Thank you for sharing!
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Thank you; I hope people find these useful and constructive so they cab be of better support to those who need it.
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Great post. I wrote something around what you shouldn’t say to people with anxiety and a lot of these definitely overlap! Just don’t be an insensitive a-hole! But for those that haven’t experienced it, it’s soooo easy for them to think we can just “snap out of it” or choose to be happy and positive when that’s far from the case .
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I have found that those who have not experienced it themselves are definitely the ones who say the most unhelpful things. It’s okay to be a bit awkward or not quite get it right, but it’s equally valid to say that something is out of your sphere of experience and just be a kind listener. Thanks so much for reading!
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This is an insightful post, and I completely agree you should never tell someone with depression that others have it worse because it is not a comparison game and everyone is valid. Also, the random suggestions for remedies are generally unhelpful!
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Exactly right; comparison does nobody any good, it’s not a competition and everyone should feel validated about what they are personally going through. Thanks for reading!
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I know I’ve struggled in the past with finding the best way to support family and friends in those moments; my initial reaction would usually be to find a solution, although I’ve learnt over the year’s it’s best to be a listening ear and not jump to telling them what I think they should do etc. it can be tricky. Thank you for sharing these helpful and valuable tips!
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I think your willingness to learn how to be the best kind of support to those you know shows a wonderful amount of compassion — which is exactly what is needed. It’s okay not to get it perfect at first, but the fact you stick around to get better at it will mean a lot.
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I totally agree! People have previously told me to try yoga and that other people have it worse, which is the most unhelpful thing. Thank you for spreading awareness x
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It’s quite hurtful when people say those things and it can really make people feel that they should stay silent. I’m sorry you experienced that, as it’s not helpful or encouraging at all. Hopefully more people become aware of what they say and how to be more compassionate.
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One of the things I’ve heard so often is “just be happy!” If I had a choice I would choose to be happy all the time 😒. This is such a lovely post because I struggle with moderate depression and most people really don’t understand what it’s like and oftentimes say the wrong thing.
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It’s such a shame that so many of these unhelpful phrases are so common and used so often. I hope people become more educated in the future!
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Great reminders here. I think a lot of those things people say come out of frustration because they want to help but it’s hard!
Corinne x
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These are all great reminders. Being an active listener without judgment is key to interacting effectively with others but particularly with those suffering from anxiety and depression.
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I agree 100%; in general, being an active, compassionate listener is a great skill to learn, and it can come in very effective use when supporting someone with anxiety and/or depression.
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This is a really good list that I think everyone should read! I like that you shared some advice on how to talk to someone with depression too.
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I think so many people want to be helpful and supportive but may feel a little unsure about how to go about it. I’m glad this was useful!
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This is very helpful and useful information! Thank you for sharing this, I do not know much about this topic so I learned a lot!
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It is great to hear that this was informative and helpful to you; thank you so much for being open to learning about it.
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Thank you for discussing such an important topic. Everyone’s journey is unique and it’s important to listen and show support rather than saying things that can be harmful and or dismissive.
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I felt like this was an important topic to cover so I am thankful it has been so well received and seems to have helped point people in the right direction. Thank you for reading!
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Thank you for shedding light on such an important topic! I think a lot of the time people just need someone who will listen to them and be there. I’ve struggled a lot with different mental health issues before and I find sharing experiences really unhelpful, particularly when everyone is unique and has different situations.
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Sharing things is definitely a great help, it allows us to say out loud what we’re going through and give it less power. A great, active listener can be an incredible blessing and support.
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I have been told just snap out of it before and that everyone is depressed. I think it so rude. I remember when I was going through a hard time in my life and how insensitive people were to me. Thank you for educating people on what to say and how it wrong and insensitive to say these things.
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It is awful to be told those things, it shows a level of insensitivity that can be really harmful. I hope this post proves useful to those who maybe don’t realize their thinking and communication is hurting those around them. Thank you for sharing your experiences here, and for stopping by to read!
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I truly hope that many people read this and take this list to heart. I’ve been told pretty much everything on that list and can confirm that none of them were helpful and often made things worse.
One really helpful resource I came across this past year was the Be There Certificate online. It’s targeted towards younger persons, but it was a really well put together mini course introducing how to support someone struggling with their mental health. It’s so great to be having these conversations and equipping people to support each other.
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It can be so harmful to hear these things and often makes us feel worse. I hope more people become educated about how to navigate supporting someone with depression.
Thanks for sharing that resource; I will check it out (it’s good to know there are things like this available).
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All things you listed are positives. But it’s important to understand the person with depression first. Know what caused the depression and understand their situation first.
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That is useful advice if the depression someone is working through is situational-based; I think spending the time to understand someone is always a great thing to do.
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I am dealing with depression myself. Before getting help I used to tell myself all of what you mentioned in this post. I just didn’t see depression as a real disorder and couldn’t see depression as a real disorder and that stopped me from getting help for a long time. I’m so glad I was able to put those misconceptions aside to actually get help Thankyou for sharing this. I sure it will definitely be helpful to people who are looking to understand mental illness and how to help their loved ones with a mental illness.
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It can be something we try to rationalize or overlook because we either don’t spot what is going on for us, or we are hoping it goes away. It’s good to be able to understand ourselves and those around us; I’m glad to hear you looked for help as it’s important you take care of your mental health.
I hope others read this as take the time to understand how what they say can impact people; thank you so much for sharing your perspective
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This is a great list Molly – I’ve seen many folks try to say those comments to others with good intentions and unfortunately, it just did the opposite most of the time. Active listening and just hearing people out can often be a great starting place, espeically if you’re unsure how to help in that moment. Thanks for sharing.
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I think most people are trying to be helpful, but as you point out, it often has the opposite effect. Active listening is more important and beneficial than those trying to support someone may assume, it’s a great help overall. Thanks for reading!
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Thank you raising awareness on such an important topic.
And for including what not to say, but tips on what you should say.
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I am happy to share information and spread awareness; hopefully this will help anyone who needs it. Thanks for reading!
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